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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I Can't Breath

I am laying in bed this evening struggling to breath, it feels as if there is a large weight on my chest. I fell unsettled as if at any moment my heart could explode. I am restless in my thoughts and finding it hard to calm myself.  My attempt to aid my sleep with a sound machine is causing discomfort.  Why are the sounds of waves causing me distress when normally they are a comforting sound?

Several years ago I had a therapist suggest that I create a space in my mind to go to when I am feeling anxious, a place that would calm me.  For the longest time my place involved being by the sea and being able to hear the waves crashing along the rocks.  In my mind I could picture the English, Scottish and even Irish coast line. My happy place has always been the scene of a Jane Austen book not a tropical beach.

I was so excited to receive my sound machine today and  listen to the ocean as I fell asleep. At first I thought my anxiety was being brought on by the prospects of going back to work tomorrow. I am currently struggling with my position and it has brought on tremendous stress and anxiety. But the anxiety I was feeling was something more, it was the subject I hate to talk about.

I have spent the last two days in bed with a cold. This has given me the opportunity to binge watch the series "Outlander" on my kindle.  So for two days I have immersed myself into the love story of these characters. Now that it is over I find myself lost and sad.  I know this sounds silly but I am only able to experience love this way. I am so afraid I being hurt again I only allow myself to get lost in these imaginary relationships.

So tonight when the sound of the waves started to play my heart started to feel like a million pounds. I am realizing that I'm so afraid,  I will never have a man love me like a character in a book or movie. I will never truly get to experience that scene I have created in my head that use to bring me so much happiness. I will never be laying in bed in a sea side cottage listening to the waves crash and having a man who loves me laying beside me.

Tonight I realize that I'm so afraid I am ruining my life.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Holiday Blues

After a three month absence from writing due to my new job I felt the need to write and work through recent events and frustrations.  It will come to no surprise to most people that the holidays can be tough especially if you are dealing with anxiety and depression.  This is that time of the year that I can become overwhelmed by events and loneliness.  Did I also mention I am a manager of a clothing store? Mega stress!!!!

I have spent the last month or more wishing there was some way I could magically go to sleep and wake up around January 5th.  My job is extremely difficult this time of year and to add to my stress, this year I am with a new company.  I am working sixty to seventy hours weeks on little to no sleep in a crazy environment.  I'm trying to keep my staff happy and productive and I'm trying to keep customers happy, not an easy task this time of year.  I have to make people work when they should be at family events to please customers that sometimes are not the nicest.  My job is to make everyone happy while I try and hold together my own happiness.

In my quest to make as many people happy as possible I scheduled myself on Christmas Eve and as few employees as I could within reason.  The company I previously worked for was not traditionally that busy on Christmas Eve and even though I worked I could usually make it in time to spend an hour or two with my dad's family.  This year that did not happen and my exhausted defeated body and soul took it hard.  Instead of rushing out the door to Christmas I sat alone folding clothes and crying trying to put my store back together.

The thing about being alone is too much time to think.  I started to think about the fact I don't really have anyone to spend the holidays with other than my parents.  I even started to go into the self negative thinking, would anyone even care that I wasn't at Christmas.  This lead into a spiral of very negative thoughts and anger.  I was finally at my breaking point.  I felt as alone and helpless as the tiny puppies I could hear crying two stores down.  I was back to my dark place, the place I hate to admit is one where I don't want to be alive.

I decided that it was no longer healthy for me to stay at the store.  I could not physically or emotionally complete the store to the standard it needed to be.  I needed to suck up my pride and ask for help the following day.  I went home and poured myself a large glass of vodka and coke.  This isn't something I've done for a long time but I just wanted to feel numb and continue to feel sorry for myself.  The problem with alcohol is it only numbs the pain for a while, so unless you are going to drink it all the time it isn't a solution.

I woke up on Christmas day and continued my pity party.  I had breakfast with my parents but opted not to watch John Wayne movies all day with my dad.  I instead decided to read a book.  I grabbed the book "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey.  I was instantly intrigued because it is about his time in a famous rehab facility that is not far from where I live.  I spent the day reading about this man as well as other's struggles with their inner demons and addictions.  I started to realize yes I have issues but it could always be worse.  I'm glad at the time I hadn't read anything about this books, so I could just focus on the character's struggles and not the controversy surrounding the book.  A small disclaimer about the book, his descriptions of events at the facility where fabricated.  I know many people who have attended that facility and the stuff he wrote about could not have happened.

Yes I did spend Christmas alone in my room reading a depressing book about drug and alcohol addiction but it was my choice.  I need to remember that I could have put myself out there and found something to do that was more productive. This was the point where I realized I often do things that cause me pain because I am comfortable and familiar with the pain.

December 25th was technically Christmas and I chose to read all day and be sad but in all reality today was Christmas.  I should have treated the 25th like any other day I did not have work not glorify the fact that it was technically a holiday and I was alone.  In my heart I now know today was Christmas because I was with my family.  I also need to realize I am never alone, first I have my faith and second I have my family.  No they aren't my kids but I love them just as much as if they were my own.  My goal for this new year is to stop the pity party and make better choices!

Monday, September 14, 2015

New Doctor

I have been putting off the search for a new doctor for far too long but today it must happen. This weekend I had another bad migraine. Thankfully I was able to get it under control but it was bad enough that I had to let my mom drive the rest of our way home and I got sick enough that I had to throw up into a bag in my lap. I did manage to sleep it off with medication and not make a trip to the ER.

So why do I need to find a new doctor? Three plus years ago when I realized it was time to get help I made an appointment at the clinic by my home at the time. I was immediately overjoyed at how comfortable I felt with the PA I was assigned to that day. Anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety knows how uncomfortable it can be to reach out for help. Courtney made this so easy for me. She was so supportive and compassionate over the years.

Sadly I moved two hours away and slowly it became harder and harder to make the drives back. On several occasions I have had no other choice but to seek out other medical professionals. I have not made a connections with any of them. I also have had the issue with the fact that the nearest Fairview hospital is over forty minutes away. When you are needing to make an emergency trip to the ER for a migraine you don't want a forty minute car ride.

I now need to decided between the two medical facilities that I live near.  I then need to pick a physician from one of those establishments. I know the easy thing to do would be asking for suggestions from friends and family but I don't feel comfortable doing that. The more open I have become about my struggles the more I realize everyone has an opinion and few are in agreement.

Today I am going to make the first move and go with the medical center I visited for my last ER visit. I am going to visit their website and go through the physicians bios and hopefully find one that looks favorable. I can't keep putting off seeking treatment for my migraines; I need to face my fear and put myself out there.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015


I haven't written a lot about my faith, not because I don't think it is important but because I want to be sensitive to other's beliefs. I have always believed actions speak louder than words. Today I feel want to write a bit about my faith. In order to  understand me and how I get through these terrible days I need to be open about my belief that my strength comes, from God.

Today at counseling I was asked where I stand currently on dating. I smiled at her and told her I still find myself not wanting to even try to find someone.  We talked a bit about control, that I am afraid of getting into a relationship and having to give up the things I enjoy. I have worked so hard at discovering who I am and what I want. I fear that if I get into a relationship I will have to alter those things.

We continued to discuss this fear and ultimately it lead into a 'trust' issue. I don't trust myself and I'm having a hard time trusting God. The trouble with being a Christian is knowing you are suppose to trust God but doing it is a whole different subject. I want to trust God, if my faith has taught me anything it is that I am nothing without God. If I trust in myself alone we are in trouble; I have made some horrible decisions in the past.

But now that I'm ready to trust in God, I realize it is just as important that I start trusting in myself. Yes I did make some horrible mistakes in the past but that was the past and I have learned from those mistakes. Just saying that out loud takes a huge weight off my heart. I know that alone I can't do this but at the same time I know God has given me the brains and strength to trust myself.

Trusting means, that even when things aren't going the best I am going to trust that there is a reason. I also need to believe that good things will happen, that it is ok to hope for better. It is also ok that sometimes I get angry for the struggles that I have had, that doesn't make me lesser of a Christian, it makes me human.

I am thankful that God has given me the strength to seek medical help.  Yes having faith has played a huge role in my recovery but medical treatment is important too. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with my beliefs but I wanted an opportunity to share a big part of who I am and another part of my journey.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Summer's End

I know most people are probably sad that this weekend marks the end of summer. I am not one of those people. I am not saying I am looking forward to sub zero temperatures or snowy roads but I am over the heat of summer. Living in the Midwest we get to experience ninety degree days and on the flip side twenty below zero days. I am not a fan of either!  An example, tonight marks the end of a week of upper eighties and crazy humidity.

The only part of me that likes temps and humidity that high is my hair. My body is not a fan of these hot days. I ended up with another late night visit to the ER, last month. They think the migraine was a combination of heat exhaustion and allergies from ragweed. I was pumped full of fluids and three medications via IV, not something I'm fond of. Two weeks ago I almost had a repeat after trying to spend some time outside with my niece and nephews. Thankfully this time the migraine never got to the point I needed to go in but it did last for six days.
We were going to build a tree house til I got sick. 

Fall can start at any point and I will be completely happy. I love that cooler temps also mean boots, scarves and flannels. We have been transitioning to fall at work for over a month. Working in retail we are always a month or so ahead of the season and fall is the one season I am always so excited for. I have the air conditioner on high at work and no thought of the eighty degree weather outside my door as I am layered up for cooler temps. And I cannot forget to mention pumpkin, I am one of those girls who is obsessed with pretty much anything pumpkin flavored. This week alone I had a pumpkin chi latte, pumpkin beer and a pumpkin pie blizzard.

As excited as I am for summer to be over I also have to face the realization of what winter can and might bring. I now have the fear that winter might bring me back into a horrible depression. Yes summer does bring me frustrations but it does bring sunshine that is very beneficial in combating depression. How am I preparing for winter? What will I do to make sure that it isn't a repeat of the last few winters.

First, I am committed to taking my medicine every night without fail. I had to use a bit of technology to make this happen. I downloaded an app that I have set to go off at 10:00 p.m. and until I take my medication every ten minutes my phone reminds me with a notification sound - mine is pills shaking in a bottle. I have also started to take vitamin D. My therapist said they are now recommending people start taking them in August instead of waiting til fall or winter when they are already deficient. I'm a baby when it comes to taking vitamins so I have jumped on the gummy vitamin bandwagon.

I am hoping this and the projects I have taken on this summer will give me purpose and drive this winter. As much as I love Netflix, spending the winter hidden in my room is not healthy or productive. I want to make the most of this life I have been given. I don't want to shutdown and go to that dark place. I want the cooler temps but not the depression that can come with the winter. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Depression And A Lack of Production

If you have depression you know it can be a struggle to be productive. When I am struggling with my depression my motivation is at a low. The idea of getting out of bed and doing something seems impossible. I always know when my depression needs to be evaluated when the thought of taking a shower sounds like too much. These are times when I check to see if I've been taking my medication and if there could be anything else triggering my depression.

Today could have easily been one of those days. It was just two days ago I wrote about how happy I have been. Sadly yesterday was a bad day. I had some stress and constructive feedback at work. When I left work I was extremely depressed. The negative thoughts going through my head where dragging me down. It was the first time in a long time I felt hopeless enough to wonder if I wanted to even live. Thankfully this was only for a fleeting moment. I have come too far to let one day bring me down.

My saving grace last night was an already planned dinner with former co-workers. This was exactly what I needed. We were all able to come together laugh and 'bitch'. The nice thing about sharing your frustrations with friends is to realize you aren't alone. We all have the same frustrations and struggles.

Instead of letting one bad day become several days, I was able to move on from it. I was able to enjoy my day off and accomplish everything I wanted. I really enjoy restoring furniture and crafting on my days off. I find great satisfaction in creating things with my hands. I know having these projects has also given me that extra push to do things. 

My suggestion for anyone who is struggling with a lack of desire to do anything is to evaluate the possibility you may be struggling with depression. Yes the idea of having depression sounds scary but it is something that can be managed with proper help. Depression is part of my life but it is not who I am.

Visit National Suicide Prevention Site if you want more info on depression.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I Want to Stay this Happy

So often when I turn to write it is because I'm having a tough time and need to try and work though my struggle through words. Today is not one of those days! I am taking the time to write a post because I want to acknowledge how far I have come in the last year. I also want to write about what brought on the additional happiness today.

 I want to do more with my writing but self doubt often gets in the way. My anxiety causes a lot of self doubt and hatred. I worry that I will not having anything to write about or anything that others would want to read. Instead of trying I often walk away out of fear. On occasion I find the courage, for example when I started this blog.

Several months ago I was feeling courageous and volunteered to help with any writing needs for PNC Rescue this is the organization we have adopted from and currently foster for as well. Sadly I again let fear get in my way and I did not write anything for them.  Well today that changed.

The organization's volunteers were discussing different ways to drive more exposure to their Facebook page. I decided to speak up and offer to put together a memo. I wrote a memo to help the volunteers with branding of PNC Rescue and navigating social media. I am not sure what will become of the memo or advice but I feel good for trying.

In addition to the memo I am going to try and use my writing skills to create bio's for the current and future foster dogs.

I am hoping the next time the doubt starts to creep in or I'm having a bad day I can go back to this post and remind myself the happiness that comes from helping other's and conquering my fears.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Regrets or 'Everything Happens for a Reason'

I need to be up for work in about six hours. So why now after weeks of not, am I up writing? I have spent the last two hour lying her in bed torturing myself about past decisions.  Why tonight? I am not sure, it could be that the series on Netflix I was watching reminded me of my mistakes in love. It could also be that this month has a history of bad luck in my family, so it only feels fitting to think the worse.

The joys of knowing you have an anxiety disorder but not always being able to control those wondering thoughts. I take comfort in the fact that I know I shouldn't be obsessing about a decision I made over fifteen years ago. I know that once I can release these thoughts from my head into written word I will fall asleep contently. That this regret will become one of the many 'everything happens for a reason' thoughts.

A month or so ago my sister sent me a picture (of a picture) asking who the guy was sitting with me. I responded that is was Jon, a friend I had met on a missions trip when I was sixteen. The picture was taken of us together at an event a year or so after our missions trip. We had kept in contact via snail mail; it was the 90's. He had come out to Wisconsin to visit me for a Christian music festival.
Jon, Me & my brother

We lost contact after high school, mostly due to the fact I had a boyfriend who didn't really like the idea of his girl friend having a guy pen pal. Did I like Jon as more than a friend? I would say yes, granted I was sixteen when we met and was boy crazy. So this is where the regret comes in. I don't know if Jon liked me as more than a friend. I was a girl with little self esteem and would not have had a clue if he did show interest. So now I question if he had liked me and I had chosen him over Scott would I be happy? Would I have avoided all of that pain?

I ending up spending over eight years of my life with Scott and I don't completely regret that time but I do regret what that relationship did to me. Would things have been different with someone like Jon, obviously but if you erase those bad memories you take away the good with them. To change my past means so many of the people that I love and care about would not have ended up in my life.

I guess I just find myself grasping to the comforts of my past and being sixteen again.  Jon will remain a mystery. Even if I wanted to find him on a social media I don't remember his last name and everything I had from him burned in the fire. Plus I would much rather he remember that teenage girl!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Balancing Act

I have recently found myself in a new predicament; I have too much I want to do and too little time. Yes most people have this issue but until recently I was either working or shutting myself out to the world. As I continue to improve upon myself and work through my depression and anxiety I find myself wanting to try new things.  I'm finding it hard to balance my job, family, writing, and hobbies.

In my mind the only thing I would want to eliminate is my job but in all reality that isn't a possibility. I would love to be home and work on projects and write. The last few years of my life have been so much about my career I forgot how much I enjoy doing other things. It has been a welcomed distraction to fill my time with these new projects.

We recently had an auction at my grandparent's, my grandpa is in poor health and wanted to start downsizing. It was a lot of work to get prepared for the auction but it felt good to be doing something so productive. I did not even think twice about using my vacation time from work to be there. I am so fortunate to have a strong family that is there for each other.

The auction is now over and we have one less thing on our plates. I now have time to spend on my writing and eventually even my laundry. My goal is to learn to balance these wonderful things in my life. I can not get rid of my job but I am going to continue to put my family first. I am also going to try and do a better job to priorities my writing.  I am hoping to combine my writing with my other hobbies in order to find time for both.
Blanket I made for my grandpa.

 I also need the rain to slow down because mowing my parents lawn and helping my sister mow my grandparent's lawn is a time killer.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Where Did I Put That?

The other day during the car crisis, I kept getting asked where I bought my car and I could not answer.  I could not even recall what city I had made the purchase. I felt so stupid and confused why I could not remember a significant detail.  Later that day I had returned from running some errands and it was brought to my attention I had not remembered to close the garage door or event shut of the lights.  At this point I started to worry a bit but mostly just brushed it off. 

It was not until the next day that I started to worry. I left for work wearing my garden sandals knowing my shoes where in my car. Unfortunately I was only a mile down the road before I realized I wasn't driving my car. I had to return to the house to get shoes for work. Little things like that continued to happen. Now I started to worry if something was wrong with me. I started rubbing the Young Living tranquil oil on me, in an attempt to calm down.

On my lunch break I did some research and looked at association between anxiety and memory loss.

Stress and Memory Loss
Stress and anxiety can cause memory loss by getting in the way of concentration. The stress and anxiety cause a distraction that can lead to an inability to remember things. The stress also can cause the brain to not function properly. This is why often when stress levels elevate many people struggle with short-term memory loss.

I need to be able to remember things not only in my professional life but my personal life.  I can not reduce the amount of stress in my life but as I have written before I can change how I handle the stress. My first step is going to be trusting in God. I don't write about my faith often but it is very important to me. I know that I can not control all of my worrying but the more I turn over to God and trust in Him the more productive my life is going to be. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

I Didn't Quit

I know many of you may have thought I quit. I needed to step away for a bit.  I was worried my writing was getting too depressing. I have a lot going on in my life and I do not want to come across as a complainer. When I started this journey it was meant to be therapeutic as well as a voice for the many that struggle with depression and anxiety. I feared my writing was becoming a really bad Facebook status.

In the midst of another financial setback, I found my strength to write again.  I will not lie there have been times today that I have retreated to my room and hid in the blankets. My face has been streamed with tears at several points. At one point I questioned my ability to handle anymore.  Then I remembered I am a fighter. I can't change the situation but I can change my reaction. 
Photo Credit

I do not know what tomorrow brings and I can only control what is happening right now.  Tomorrow the dealership may call and tell me I owe them a lot of money to fix my car or they may tell me that Nissan will cover the costs.  I do not know and freaking out about the worse case scenario is not helping me. Curling up in a ball in my bed is not the answer. 

I thought knitting was the answer but I needed to do something that would be productive not a distraction. I decided to get back to writing. I recently started an online course taught by Gina Horkey on how to establish a freelance writing career. This was the motivation I needed to regain my confidence and remember my goals.

I want expand upon my writing and work towards a successful writing career. I am going to continue to post to this blog three days per week. I want to have time to write for other venues.  Please feel free to contact me at if you are interested in obtaining my writing services. 

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Out of My Comfort Zone

I am the queen of great ideas and little follow through. Usually when it comes to actually going through with the idea I manage to talk myself out of it.  Tonight, I left work a little bit earlier than I had planned and decided I should stop and see my grandpa at the hospital.  He has been in and out for the last three or four months and sadly has been admitted again.  Grandpa is eighty-nine years old and unfortunately his heart and kidneys are not doing the greatest.

On my way to visit him I started to panic and wonder if I should really go on my own.  I started to wonder if no one else is there are we going to have anything to talk about.  I love my grandpa but I started to wonder if it would just be really awkward.  Then I started to remember that I needed to put my insecurities aside.  Did I really want to let those stupid things keep me from spending time with someone I love.  He is alone in a hospital room wondering when he gets to go home. 

I am so happy I stopped to see him.  I actually got to spend time alone with my grandpa that I normally would not get the chance, especially with our crazy family.  He was eating dinner and watching the news.  Watching the news with your grandpa just seems like something every grandkid needs to do at some point.  I also was able to be helpful and cut up his chicken breast.  I'm not sure why the hospital would give something that clearly needs to be cut up to an elderly patient.

Grandpa is hoping to go home tomorrow, it will all depend on his platelets, blood sugar level and mobility.  I will hopefully get to visit him at home in the next few days.  This way he will have the opportunity to interrupt me while I'm talking to Grandma, he doesn't like when she gets the attention.  Their house is one of my favorite places in the world to be.  I was lucky enough that the phrase "over the hill and through the woods" was a true statement. 

There was nothing better in the world than trekking through the woods to my grandparent's house for popsicles.  No one will ever forget the time my brother and I, ages three and five, made the journey alone.  If the idea of toddlers hiking through the woods isn't scary enough for you, add some not so friendly cattle.  Grandpa and Grandma's house was the ultimate playground. 

I need to remember that when I give into my fear I miss out on really special moments.  Today was one of those days, my grandpa told me he loved me, something he has never said to me before. 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Shopped Til We Dropped

Today is my only day off this week and I needed to make the most of the day.  It also wasn't technically a full day off considering I had to bring outfits from work to a fashion show being put on by a local Girl Scout troop.  To try and keep it more on the fun side verses a work obligations I decided to bring along my oldest niece Lilly.  So she was my little assistant for the day.

She loved the fashion show and it was a nice event to be involved in as a community outreach.  I loved how excited Lilly got, as she watched each one of the girls come out especially the ones wearing clothes from my store.  I think it is important for girls to be involved in activities like Girl Scouts.  I was involved in 4H and it made a huge impact on my development and social skills.  I know that dealing with my social anxiety would be even harder if I hadn't had those experiences growing up.

After the fashion show we did one of my favorite hobbies, shopping!  As far back as I can remember I have loved shopping.  I even love grocery shopping.  When I was in my early teens I talked my mom into letting me make a menu for the week and do the grocery shopping.  To me shopping is more than just buying things.  I love the planning and searching that goes a long with the process too.  Not that I don't get carried away in the moment and end up at home with items I really didn't need.

Todays shopping trip had two missions, one to get gifts for my other niece's upcoming birthday and camping supplies for the concert in June.  We started at the clothing stores first since they are near my store.  Of course I couldn't just buy gifts for the one niece, I let Lilly pick out an outfit for herself.  I would have done the same thing if Maddie was with, in fact I'm sure I have.  We also decided we better get the boys outfits.  When I buy clothes for the kids it is more for my enjoyment then theirs, it is like having living dolls.  I love playing dress up.

Our next stop was at Menards to get the tent I had seen on sale while researching tents earlier.  I think I did more research on the tent then I did when I purchased my car.  I started second guessing myself again and ended up getting the tent I had planned on but one size larger.  We also picked up several other camping related items.  I am happy to say at least I have a camping trip planned.  I have a bad habit of buying things for a new activity and then not following through.  I really do want to try and embrace camping, I feel like I am evolving and could handle roughing it. 

We ended our shopping trip at good old Walmart.  I needed to get a few things for the work week and a few more small items to add to Maddie's gift.  Lilly had also been waiting all day to pick out her yarn for her blanket I will eventually be making.  The plan was to have all of them done by Maddie's party but that is in only six days and I'm only half way done  with Waylon's and would still need to finish Lilly's. 

I am now exhausted, I am pretty sure I did shop till I dropped.  Yes, the retail therapy was nice but the time with my niece was the best part.  I love all my nieces and nephews so much and feel so blessed that because I don't have kids I can give them the extra love and attention.  They will also make excellent camping buddies. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Worried for Nothing

I needed to take a break from writing to clear my head and trying and figure out what direction I want to go in with my life and my writing.  I struggle with wanting to make sure my writing is for pleasure and not something I feel like I have to do.  I think with the pressures of work and my pending colonoscopy I got writers block.  Even though I had all of these things going on in my life I couldn't find the words to express myself. 

I had my colonoscopy today and all is good.  The bleeding was probably the result of not enough fiber in my diet, another wonderful sign that I'm getting old.  I have to say the actual procedure is not a big deal, it is the prep for the procedures that makes me  happy I will not have to have another one until I am fifty.  I thought not getting to eat for over twenty-four hours would be the hard thing, not so.  I was so nauseous from all the laxatives food was as far from my mind as possible. 

The dogs will be sad tomorrow that I cannot continue to lay with them on the couch, time to go back to work.  I was a little worried how I would feel but other than a headache from the dehydration I don't feel that bad.  I'm wondering if I could bring back the fashion trend with gloves tomorrow, my hands I'm guessing are going to be quiet bruised.  Once again they had trouble getting an IV in me, even with my suggestion of trying my hand verses my arm. 

I was doing good and staying calm through all of this until the needle popped my vein on my hand.  The nurse had a fancy word for what came next but basically I got extremely nauseous and started burning up.  Since this isn't the first time this has happened I knew to immediately ask for a puke bag, to be laid down flat and a cold clothe.  My mum was sweet and tried to calm me as they fought to put the IV into my other hand.  I guess I love giving the nurses something to talk about. 

You would have thought though my mum was the patient, the nurses kept coming in to see her but it was to smell her.  She was wearing her Young Living Essential oil Peace and Calming.  The nurses were even asking me about it as they were wheeling me in my bed down to the procedure.  That is what I love about my mum she can make friends anywhere.  So as she waited for me she chatted with the nurses.  We have to laugh, she even made one go to the bathroom crying.  Not that it is funny that she started crying it was just the circumstances around the entire day.

The nurse and my mum had started to talk about dog rescue while she was prepping me for the procedure.  While I was gone my mum started to tell her about a batch of dogs Peke n Chin Midwest is trying to rescue.  The seventeen pekes have been surrendered to a shelter in North Dakota.  We know that the pekes would be better off if we could put them in  foster homes and then adopt them out.  Pekes don't adopt well and would be better in an organization like Peke n Chin that specializes in the breed.  The current challenge is to raise the funds in order to rescue and support seventeen additional dogs.  We are currently trying to raise the additional funds at You Caring.

So my focus has turned from fear to how I can better my life and that of those around me, including my furry friends. 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Another Doctors Visit

I've been laying in bed for the last two hours trying to decide if I'm brave enough to write about my latest issue.  I started this blog as a form of therapy but also to be open about my struggles with depression and anxiety in an attempt to help others.  I now am facing a new issue that is also one of those issues people do not like to talk about.  I decided that if I'm going to face my fears I need to continue to be open and honest.

Yesterday when I was doing all of that crazy yard work I got sick to my stomach, I am assuming from getting overheated.  I got nauseous and sick to my stomach.  This was not too unusual but when I went to the bathroom I noticed a large amount of blood, including clots.  It was bad enough that I showed my mum, even with her being my mum I still felt weird showing it to her.  She suggested going to the doctor I told her I would make an appointment for next week.  I could see her concern so I made one for this morning before work.

You would think by now I wouldn't be so nervous about telling the doctor/nurses what is wrong but its just not fun.  I know that they hear all sorts of stuff and it is their job but it is just weird explaining your bowel movements to a complete stranger.  The morning got even more interesting when I got to have a rectal exam.  I guess after going through that this morning I have an extra bit of courage.  I know I'm not the only one who feels embarrassed by the whole process but I'm guessing it is more common than we think.  In fact when they asked me if we had a family history of these issues I answered incorrectly because I never knew my father had polyps removed because no one likes to talk about issues in that area.

Unfortunately the scope this morning did not find any reason for the bleeding which means I now get to face a new challenge a colonoscopy.  I got sent hope with all of the fun pre-op instructions which sound way worse than the actual procedure.  I won't even begin to write about it, no one wants to know the details.  Just know that Wednesday and Thursday I probably won't be doing much writing. 

I'm trying to keep myself off of WebMD and just focus on work and getting prepared to be off for a couple of days.  My mum made a good point today when she reminded me stress is only going to make things worse.  Even if they find polyps they can easily be removed before they become cancer.  Maybe I just have something really cool stuck in my intestines, maybe I ate a rare coin that is worth a ton of money. 

I will be working on lots of techniques to calm my anxiety this week, I think it would be a good idea to pull out my anxiety workbook and do a few exercises.  I did an amazing job today keeping calm when they did my blood tests, first time in a long time I didn't pass out.  I will try and be open and honest about the process without grossing anyone out.  I hope that if you or someone you know has this happen they know they aren't alone and it isn't as bad as they think. 

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Vitamin D Was So Needed

The last two days I got what I needed to turn my attitude around sunshine and fresh air.  I had two days off from work and since the weather was finally amazing I decided to actually be productive on my day off and help with yard work.  Even though it was work it was actually really nice.  Not to say tomorrow I might be thinking differently when I can't move my arms.

It is not that I have a desk job but I'm not extremely physical.  I have some lovely blisters on my hands, nothing like battle scars to prove you did something.  I think it was the first time I have shoveled that much dirt.  My favorite part of the day was my parent's yorkie insisted on riding on the wheel barrow of dirt.  The one thing I enjoy about physical labor is seeing results immediately. 

I also used the time to do some reading.  I thought it would be a good time to finally read "Stand Out" by Marcus Buckingham given the recent events at work.  Marcus Buckingham was one of the author's of "Strength Finders" and has written an additional book with a new strengths assessment.  I love assessments, especially when the results give you a clear understanding of how to improve and understand yourself.

The assessment gives you two of nine strength results.  There is then a chapter on each of the strengths, explaining them as well as how to use the strengths in our lives.  My strengths came up as provider and stimulator.  It was interesting to read about both of these strengths and use that information to better understand how to work through the issues at work.  The assessment also comes with a profile on their website that will provide articles tailored to my strengths. 

I am thankful that I am in a better frame of mind and optimistic. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

A Day of Tears

Well the conversation I thought I was ready for did not go well at all.  I started the day out with counseling the one good point of the day.  The only problem with that was I worked on tackling through some issues that left me a bit overwhelmed with my feelings.  I am coming to realize that I use a combination of control and justification as ways of protecting myself.  I don't know how to give up either without trust.

I went into the conversation with an open mind and the desire to talk through our issues and come up with a plan of how we could get on the same page.  I wanted to talk through her frustrations as well as mine.  I wanted to try and figure out how we could create better communication to ensure the job gets done correctly.  This did not happen.  Instead of discussing issues she attacked my personality.  I have received constructive feedback in the past but this was not constructive.

Instead of giving me examples of thing that frustrate her and how I could do them better I was told that she does not like me as a person.  I thought we were going to discuss how I could better help her with her role and instead I was told that the only problem she has with the job is me.  She feels that the store would be better off without me.  That my perfectionism is not necessary and I have control issues.  She also told me that I act better than everyone because I have a college degree and came from the second largest store in our company.

This really hurt.  Some of it hurt because I knew certain things were true to an extent, most of it hurt because it wasn't said out of care it was said to hurt me.  At no point did I feel like I was being given this feedback because this person wanted me to do a better job.  It was the first time I have ever cried in front of an employee.  I tried to hold it together but there is no way she did not notice the tears in my eyes.  The conversation ended with me asking for some time to think things through.  I don't know what I'm suppose to do, this person is asking me to be someone I am not.  I know I could make improvements and I fully embrace that but I don't know how much I can or want to change.

Thankfully she asked to leave early and I was able to hide in the bathroom and really cry.  I wanted so bad to just go home and cry in peace.  I wanted to go somewhere and just feel sorry for myself.  I couldn't do that.  One, it would set a horrible example and second, I would be some of those horrible things then.  I had no choice but to put on a happy face.

My saving grace was my best friend Brooke answering my texts and trying to keep me positive.  I don't know how many times she has come to my emotional rescue.  I could spend the rest of my life trying to repay her for everything she has done.  My peace also comes in the fact that I was her boss before I was her friend, she understands me on a personal and professional level.   

One thing I discussed with my counselor today was trying to figure out ways to deal with my emotions when they are overwhelming that does not involve eating.  I have used food as a coping mechanism; I justify eating bad food because my life often sucks.  When I took my dinner break I really had to remind myself that bad food was not going to make anything better.  Yes the day was not going the best but adding to my increasing weight gain was only going to make things worse.  The food would only be a temporary Band-Aid.  I was good and got fruit and a salad. 

On my way home my mind once again started racing.  I kept replaying the conversation in my head and adding to it another rough convo that had happened early in the week.  I was approached by a friend questioning how I tend to distance myself from others and her concerns.  Now I start to wonder how many of these people are correct?  Do I need to take a closer look at my life?  I know we all need to continue to grow and change but am I doing a good enough job at that.  Maybe it isn't a bad thing that I hate myself.  If these people don't like who I am, maybe there is some truth in that statement. 

I've been crying for the last hour, trying to figure out what I can do different.  I want to be better, I don't want people to be unhappy because of me.  I want to help people even though sometimes I really can't stand people.  Days like today I wonder if I would just be happy in a cabin alone in the woods.  But do I really want to be a crazy lady who lives alone and talks to animals? 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Confrontation - Rain Check Please

My job requires me to correct issues often.  This would not be a problem but I don't do well with confrontation.  I try and manage my business and employees so I have as little confrontation as possible.  Friday I had a situation with an employee that lead to a disagreement.  Instead of getting upset and saying something I might regret I asked if we could speak about it on Monday after I had time to think.

Normally I would have fretted all weekend long about the conversation, especially with the potential of a disagreement.  I was extremely proud of myself that I did not let it weigh on me this weekend.  Yesterday I even did some prep work for the conversation.  I wanted to make sure I had the proper information available to come up with an agreement.  I also wanted to try and look at it from her point of view and take ownership for things I could have done different.

I went into work with a clear head and a grasp on my emotions.  I was soon disappointed when she left work without telling me, not allowing me the opportunity to speak to her.  I instantly was again flooded with emotions, top of the list was anger.  I really wanted to just clear the air like adults and come to a solution.  Instead I now was questioning how much larger the situation had become.  I needed answers.

There is a good chance that she left upset about a personal issue and not solely in regards to our disagreement.  Right now I do not know.  I did get some feedback from another employee pointing out some of the complaints of that employee.  I have gone from cool and collective to questioning everything and beating myself up.  I needed the feedback, it is important to better myself.  The only problem is I don't know how to digest the feedback in a healthy manner. 

I have now spent the entire night going between being angry with her and myself.  I know I need to take ownership to certain things but I also need to figure out how to not let it get to this point.  I worry that because I am such an introvert that I am not approachable.  I also worry that because I am a perfectionist I am too hard on my employees.  I want everything to be perfect and my job is one of those areas I really push for excellence.  I feel like I'm defined by my career and if I'm not successful in my career I am a failure.

When I got home I tried to eat my feelings away.  I really wish we did not have chips in the house but there were some left over from the weekend.  And if the chips weren't bad enough I added a Wisconsin favorite to them, Top the Tater.  If you are not from Wisconsin you have no idea what I'm talking about or can even purchase this tempting dip.  It is so good but so bad for you. 

I wish I would have skipped the chips and gone straight for the best medicine, laughter.  I love to laugh, so much so that I have the Greek word for 'laugh' tattooed on my wrist. (I also have an extremely annoying laugh that I can't go anywhere without people noticing.)  I got my laugh on tonight with my favorite British talk show "Graham Norton".  I am so thankful that we have BBC America and I'm able to watch it on the tv.  A good hour of giggling was just what I needed. 

I can't avoid the conversation tomorrow.  I also need to remember that they are only words and they do not define me.  I need to listen but I do not need to agree.  We can't change unless we know what we need to improve on.  We also need to remember that we all make mistakes, it's how we handle the mistake that counts. 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Did You Ever Get Married?

I had to get myself in the right frame of mind before I wrote tonight.  I am still getting over the harsh reality of turning thirty-six yesterday.  Tonight my mental therapy came in the form of a Jane Austen movie.  There is nothing better than Jane Austen to put me in a better mood.  I of course love her books but the movies are always a quick fix.
Tea at Jane Austen Centre

The ironic thing is that my comfort comes from a time period were I would be even more of an outcast than I am now.  Yes it isn't the greatest being single at thirty-six but if it was the 1800's I would be an official spinster.  I would be an inconvenience to my family and have no hope for potential marriage.  Granted there are days that I feel that this concept has not changed.

Twice this week the question came up of marriage.  First was a work colleague of my father.  Apparently they were having a discussion about who was at Easter and it came up that I was not married.  The guy's response was, "she's not married, I remembered her as attractive".  My father had no response for him.  What do you say?  My mum suggested, "that I didn't want to end up with someone like him".  I would have gone for, "she has let herself go". 

Bath, England & Jane Austen memorial (Winchester Cathedral)
Today it happened again, I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in about seven years.  Her question, "did you ever marry that guy?"  Why can't people just ask how someone is not ask them their relationship status.  If you haven't seen someone in a while don't you think they would mention something like a marriage.  I could have been horrible and asked, "have you gotten a divorce recently?"

Instead of continuing to let this issue bother me I'm going to just embrace my independence.  I am going to be like the heroine in a Jane Austen book and marry for love not just to be married.  So tonight I will dream of walking the streets of Bath, like the scene from my favorite Jane Austen book Persuasion.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Go to Sleep Pyscho

It would be very interesting if my dog Cappy could talk and I don't mean just the concept of dogs speaking.  I think more about what he would say as a first hand witness of my craziness.  A great example would be the last few nights.  The first thing he would probably say to me is "why the hell are you up at two a.m. watching an Australian t.v. show and knitting?"  Second, "its now four a.m. and you are playing candy crush". 

I know I should be sleeping but the moment I get in my room I'm wide awake.  It is does not matter how tired I am the moment night comes I'm wide awake.  I know I should take my sleeping pill the minute I get in there but I start doing anything but that.  Other than writing none of the things I tend to do at night are of any importance.  I do want to get the kids blankets done but I don't have to stay up all night.  The point of knitting is relaxation not a distraction from sleeping. 

There are lots of reason I need to be sleeping but it seems impossible without pills.  I am starting to wonder if it is because recently my dreams have been bad.  I have no control over my dreams and this scares me.  I don't now why my subconscious is punishing me.  Why ten years later do I still dream about him breaking up with me?  There is nothing worse than someone you once loved telling you all the things they hate about you every night in your dreams. 

Things need to change and it has to start with tackling this issue.  I cannot improve the other areas of my life if I am not sleeping.  I need to remember they are only dreams and they are not real.  I need to stop filling the nights with mindless activities.  If I cannot manage to get this under control, I am going to have to go back to no electronics in my room.  I know I become obsessive about things and starting a project or t.v. show at night is not something I can do without causing issues. 

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Surviving the Holiday

I could have easily have just stayed in my room all day, I actually had an excuse I have a cold.  I've been sick for three days but a busy retail weekend didn't leave time to be sick.  I did sleep late and missed church, I wish I hadn't.   I thought about just staying in my room but it just didn't seem right.  So once the family got home I came out and started preparing the food. I love cooking, it brings me comfort in social situations.

I made sure my hands were super clean, didn't want to be responsible for passing any germs on.  I did not feel the greatest but it was nice to be out in the kitchen with my sister in-law and my mum getting everything ready.  Some of it could have been my control freak ways, I have to have the cheese potatoes just right.  My parent's got an emergency cake just in case I wasn't up to making mine but we ended up not needing it.  I even got some extra energy to make a cute twinkie peep treat I saw on Pintrest. 

Once people started arriving I started to feel a bit of a panic, nothing that I can't handle.  I did take advantage of the fact I still had some stuff in the oven and stayed in the house for a while.  Don't worry I wasn't alone, I stole my nephew to hangout with me.  We sat on the couch watching Teletubbies eating cheesey potatoes and buns.  After the stuff in the oven was done, I decided we needed to try and be social and headed out to the family.

I don't want anyone to think there is anything wrong with my family, they are amazing.  I am the one with the issue, I get overwhelmed.  I don't know why I find it so hard to converse with my own family but I do.  The kids are a nice distraction.  I stayed out side for a bit and really tried to converse with everyone.  I was thankful that everyone enjoyed the food. 

It was nice for once to know that I didn't retreat to my room from panic.  I did go to my room after a bit but mainly because I was starting to feel super drained.  So I spent the remainder of the day in my room knitting and watching Netflix.  I did get some company via my nephew Waylon again.  He even tried to help with my knitting. 

I love my family and don't want my anxiety to keep me from enjoying these precious moments that someday I will long for. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

The One Thing That I Will Speak Up About

I don't tend to really make a statement or stand up to people about things, I don't like to push my ideas on people.  The one thing I will speak up about regardless of my anxiety is rescuing animals.  I am an animal lover and I can't let my insecurities get in the way.  I have written before about our involvement with Peke n Chin Midwest.

My mum this week did an amazing thing when she discovered an abandoned dog on her way home.  That evening she was not able to catch her but a gentleman informed her that the owners had moved away a week ago and abandoned her.  He said she had been sleeping under his propane tank and he had not been able to catch her.  The following day my mum placed a crate and food out in attempt to catch her. 

To our surprise she jumped into a ladies car who was visiting that gentleman.  They kept the dog until my mum was able to pick her up.  My mum kept her in a kennel for the evening just in case she had anything contagious.  My mum said she is quite the snuggler and very sweet.  She went to the vet this morning and they figure she is only two years old.  We are still waiting to hear if she has anything contagious so she still has to stay away from our dogs.

Peke n Chin has thankfully added her to their system.  We cannot use our local humane society, they are a kill shelter.  This is one thing I don't believe in and will speak up about.  I believe animals deserve the chance and there are plenty of people out there that will help especially with proper education.  This shelter for example gets county funding, yet refuses new members who could possibly help with new funding. 

I urge people to do the research before supporting shelters.  I also encourage people that have the time and money to foster animals.  It is great when animals can be kept in homes and socialized, especially those that have been in situations with little human contact.  We have a new foster at home who has taken a liking to me.  I have to stay strong and remember some amazing family will adopt him soon.  He was found and when they contacted the owners they did not want him back. 

I will continue to say how important it is to take owning a pet seriously, they are not a temporary thing.  On the flip size they are an amazing addition to your life. 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Mood Changer

I need to do something to help turn my funky attitude around.  I decided it was time for some new music.  Thankfully one of my favorite artists had recently released a new album.  I have been a fan of Glen Hansard ever since I saw him preforming his song Falling Slowly from the movie "Once" at the 2007 Oscars.   The song won an Oscar for best original song that year.  As soon as I heard the song I had to find the movie. 

I was not disappointed!  The movie not only contained that amazing song but many others as well.  "Once" is now even a musical on Broadway.  I have it on my list of musicals to see in the near future.  Of course, I am a bit afraid I will be disappointed with the lack of Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.  I had a similar experience when I saw the Broadway show of "Grease", it just wasn't the same without John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. 

I wasn't able to see Glen Hansard live until three years ago at First Ave; it was well worth the wait.  I saw him again last August and again wasn't disappointed.  I think my mum and I have become groupies.  I tried to talk her into going to Milwaukee last February again to see him again but we couldn't coordinate our schedules.  So we will be waiting  for his next American tour.

When we saw him in August he spoke of a friend that had died of alcoholism and sang one of his songs.  The album he released a couple weeks ago is a tribute to his late friend Jason Molina; "It Was Triumph We Once Proposed...". The profits from the LP will be donated to a charity in Molina's honor. 

I do love the LP but even more I love the fact that this album is a tribute to a friend.  So often it is easy to go on with our own lives.  Friendship is something I often take fore granted.  I have amazing friends but I often keep to myself.  It is not that I don't cherish each and everyone of them it is just I tend to need a lot of alone time.  I was reminded this week of how amazing my friends are when I received several text messages this week reminding me they are always there for me. 

Friendship and music are two things in my life that I find invaluable. 

Sunday, March 29, 2015

I Want To Lie But I Won't

The last two weeks I've watched myself start to spin once again out of control.  I thought I had things figured out; I had been blaming my recent panic attacks on work.  Yesterday it finally hit me what the real problem is.  My plan was to write last night but a migraine put that on hold, I'm guessing the result of my current state.  I want to cry, I want to feel pain, I want to just run and hide.

Why do I feel this way?  I was silly enough a few months ago to think maybe I had changed.  I had made it through an event and was feeling confident.  This gave me the confidence to plan a party for my upcoming birthday.  The problem is now the closer it get the more the panic increases.  I feel like such a fool; I can't even handle an evening with friends and family.  I love my friend and family but I can't handle the anxiety that comes with being in a room full of people.

Why the anxiety?  I'm going to wonder do they really want to be here? Are they all going to get along?  Will everyone like the food I make?  What if no one shows?  I know these are silly things but these are the things that put me over the edge.  These are the things among others that cause me to freak when it comes to events.  I can't hide at my own party.

I have been trying to think of a lie for over two weeks to cancel the party.  It is now only two weeks away and I have decided for once to just be honest.  Tonight I will find the strength to just tell the truth and cancel.  Yes maybe canceling is the easy way out and I should face my fear but I think once maybe I'm just going to start with telling the truth.  I don't want to have to put on a fake smile and try to pretend like I'm happy.

I just don't have the strength or energy right now to be fake and happy Deanna. I don't want to drink enough to numb the pain. I don't want to celebrate the fact that I'm one year older.  I honestly want to scream and cry about it.  I don't want to be reminded that I'm thirty-six and afraid of love.  I know a normal person would want to be surrounded by those they care about.  But if this last year has taught me anything it is that I'm not normal and I'm ok with that. 

I apologize for planning the party in the first place.  I'm thankful for those that said they would come and feel horrible for canceling but I need to.  I fear if I don't I will be a horrible mess the next two weeks.  I can't have a repeat of two years ago when I didn't leave my room for three days after my birthday.  I'm thankful that last year my aunty and her husband spoiled me in Florida and I got to disappear.  I don't know yet what I'm going to do, maybe look at pictures and pretend I'm on a beach.  I just know whatever I decide can't be planned and is going to have to feel right, even if it's watching Teletubbies with the kids. 

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Luckiest Aunt in the World

Do you ever try and imagine the worse in hopes that something good will happen?  I am always afraid to imagine myself winning something or having something good happen.  I have it in my head that if I imagine it or even speak about it out loud it will not happen.  This may be do to the fact I'm not the luckiest person in the world.  I am not saying I have this horrible life that I deserve pity but I doubt people are jealous of my life.

I might  have the opportunity to try for a promotion at work soon.  I will be one of the lesser qualified candidates that goes up for this position.  I do feel like I could handle this promotion but I'm afraid to even think about the possibility of obtaining it.  I feel like it will just be easier if I don't get my hopes up.  I'm use to rejection whether it be work or relationships but it doesn't make it any easier.

There is also the issue that in order to prove myself a viable candidate for this position I need to fill a few positions on my staff.  And these positions need to be filled with stellar candidates.  I know I can do this, I have done this before but I'm starting to feel the pressure.  In order to be in top form I took some sleeping pills last night, just to try and battle the insomnia. 

Well the pills worked maybe too good, I work up covered in scratches.  I'm not sure if my body was itching due to my anxiety or if it was a dream.  I actually scratched my one ankle to the point it burns.  The pills also left me feeling very sluggish.  It took me quite the effort to get ready for work.  I'm guessing the reality of going into work and hoping there were descant applicants awaiting on file started a panic attack.

As I was driving I could feel my heart start racing.  I kept repeating just breath over and over in my head.  At one point my eye started twitching, making driving a delight.  By the time I reached work I was breathing as if I had been running a marathon.  I heading in straight back to my desk set my things down and headed straight to the sales floor.  We had a few customers already looking around so I said hi to a few and tried to make myself busy behind the counter.  I was trying to stay out of eye contact and hoping no one saw my shaking hands. 

I decided to run in back and rub some Young Living tranquil oil on my wrists, hoping that would work.  The last thing I wanted to do was take my medication knowing there was a great possibility of an allergic reaction.  I headed back out to the floor and decided I just need to calm my breathing and get busy with customers.  I knew if I got my mind distracted I could get myself out of this state.  Thankfully it worked.  I'm not going to say I felt the greatest but I was able to function. 

A few applications did come through, nothing too promising but it is a start.  I need to believe in myself.  I'm not going to pretend like I don't want this promotion, but I am going to remember what is meant  to be will be.  Maybe all my luck is building up for the next thirty years of my life.  Plus, work is work and I need to remember it doesn't define me.  Thankfully I got to spend the evening with these cuties that helped remind me of that.  I'm the luckiest aunt in the world. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Bad Habits Die Hard

Today as I was trying to figure out how to make a low sodium and low potassium dinner for my grandparents, I started thinking about my own diet.  I can sadly say the motivation I thought I had acquired a few weeks ago as typical did not last long.  I have made eating poorly not only a bad habit but an emotional crutch.  I'm starting to wonder if I do this to purposely harm my body.

My grandpa's health has deteriorated significantly in the last three months.  For an eighty-nine year old man he is in good shape.  Sadly his poor diet has caught up with him and was hindering his ability to recover and be strong enough to handle a procedure to repair a heart valve.  Most days before three he would have consumed only coffee and donuts.  I am now watching him try to at almost ninety change his eating habits so he can be around for a few more years.

This has really got me thinking if he can do this at his age I think it is time I take a serious look at my life.  This is not just about the fact that appearance wise I shouldn't be eating what I am, I need to think about my health.  I am already at risk with my depression and anxiety and eating poor foods exasperates this disorders.  So what is it going to take to break this bad habit?

One, I'm writing about it so maybe this time I will feel some self accountability.  Second, maybe I can reward myself with a new tattoo.  They say it takes thirty days to break a habit or create a new one.  Can I try and eat better for thirty day?  Is a new tattoo enough motivation?  I also can not just decide to get a new tattoo for a birthday present to myself (this has happened before).  If this doesn't happen, no new tattoo!

Les Miserables Tattoo
I'm sure some people are thinking a tattoo really?  I don't know why but I love tattoos.  Maybe it is because I have to dress a certain way for work, so this is my way of expression who I am.  My tattoos are the only thing I wear with confidence and I cannot explain why.  I especially laugh every time I get asked about my latest tattoo.  If people are not familiar with the work Les Miserables I get funny looks when I try and explain I have a prison number tattooed on my arm.
Mumford and Sons Tattoo


If I'm truthful I think I like the dirty looks I get regarding my tattoos.  If they are looking and judging my tattoos they aren't looking at my weight or any thing else of my appearance I deem horrible.  Plus my tattoos are that mine, they are for me and represent me.  So hopefully on April 27th I will be posting a picture of my new ink. 
Greek - to laugh

Monday, March 23, 2015

Manic Monday

I should have set my alarm to The Bangle's Manic Monday actually it would have probably put me in a better mood.  I woke up not in the best mood due to stumbling on some photographs last night.  I was going through some family photos last night attempting to put together a surprise for a family member. I forgot, in the box was a picture of me in the wedding dress that I never got to use.  Not something a single thirty-five almost thirty-six year old wants to see. 

I had the biggest grin on my face in the picture. I was so happy to be finally marrying the love of my life or so I thought.  I will never forget the pain of having to pick up the dress four months after he called off the wedding.  Thankfully my mum went with me and I only had to hold it together long enough to write out the check.  The tears immediately started falling and I rushed out of the store leaving my mum to finish the rest.  The dress hung in a closet until last summer when I finally got enough courage to get rid of it.  Ironically, the dress burned in my car.

Since calling in sick wasn't an option I had to make my way to work.  Apparently I wasn't the only one not thrilled about me going to work.  Cappy rushed the gate as I was trying to leave.  When I wouldn't let him out he started crying.  Then he ran along side the fence trying to follow me to the garage; yelping and barking the entire time.  My heart was just breaking, he has never been this bad before when I've gone to leave.  I wanted to turn around and head back in the house and curl up on the couch with him. 

Off to work I went instead.  I was about five minutes from work and just to make the day even better I spotted a truck from my ex's work.  Normally I wouldn't care but after the walk down memory lane last night, I wasn't in the mood for another reminder of my past.  I am working so hard on moving forward and that includes forgetting the past.  I thought I was a safe distance from the potential of running into him by working in Minnesota. 

Work was a welcomed distraction.  I was so happy to just have a normal drama and stress free day once I got there.  Throwing myself into my work has always been a nice distraction.  The day almost made a complete turn around.  We had been very quiet.  I had gotten it in my head that if we got out in time I could make it to the craft store to pick up yarn.  I jinxed myself, customer's started rolling in twenty minutes before close.

Some how we managed only to get out five minutes late and I started the twenty-five minute drive to the craft store.  I was trying my hardest to get there in enough time. I didn't want to be one of the annoying customers coming in at close.  Especially since yarn isn't really an emergency item.  I just didn't want to run out and needed more for my blanket.  Next time I will be buying yarn from a store closer to home. 

The day is now over and I'm ready to put it all behind me.  None of it was life or death or things that I should have even let ruin my day.  I need to some how work at not letting the little things bother me.  Until then I guess I will have some interesting things to write about. 

Calming My Mind

This weekend I had the opportunity to go and spend some time with my brother, his wife and my niece Maddie.  It was great to be back at their house again, I had the opportunity to live with them for a little over a year.  I had been really missing them especially Maddie who is so very important to me.  I was so excited to get to hang out with her.

Maddie someday is going to be in charge of something, she is so smart and so determined.  When I lived with them she always wanted me to go in the basement with her and exercise or play some crazy game.  This weekend was no different and oh how I have missed that time with her.  She is grown up so fast, when I got there she was doing her math homework.  She was also excited to show me how she can ride her bike with no training wheels. 

She had to give me a tour of the house and  show me all the changes that had been made since I lived there.  She informed me she had picked up the playroom but it was already messy again.  We snuggled up on the couch and I got to read to her.  Then she brought out a weaving loom she had gotten from her grandma.  She asked me if I could show her how to use it.  So we started weaving away.  It turned out to be a bit more challenging so I soon was the only one weaving.

I actually ended up making two pot holders, I found the weaving to be extremely relaxing.  I started wondering why I hadn't been doing any knitting at home for a while.  I had tried my hand at crochet several months ago but kept getting frustrated, I had even had my grandma try and show me a few things.  I did have a knitting loom at home and started thinking it might be a good distraction.  So on my way home I stopped at Michael's and picked up some yarn.

So my Sunday has been spent knitting a blanket.  I went on Youtube and found a video on how to make a blanket on straight loom.  At first it wasn't very relaxing I actually had to take it apart twice and start over but the third time seems to be the charm.  The plan is to finish the blanket before May for Maddie's birthday.  Lilly and Grayson were over today and they feel I really should try and get all four blankets done by Easter.  I tried to explain that is only two weeks away and I'm not sure my fingers can handle that much knitting. 

Overall I am kind of excited to add this activity to my life, I think it will be good for me.  One, as I have said before I am extremely fidgety with my anxiety.  It really seems to be helpful to keep my hands busy and calms my mind.  Second, if my hands are busy I can't eat.  It is very easy to eat out of boredom.  Third, I can still watch tv or listen to music while I do this. 

I'm excited to share the blankets with my nieces and nephews.  I treasured my blankets my grandmas made for me.  Even though the blankets were burned in the fire and only my one grandma still lives; I still have the memory.  I even have been blessed with a new blanket from my Grandma Millie.  She was kind enough to give me one of hers she had tucked away.   It brings me comfort to see it at the end of my bed.  My Grandma Millie played a huge part in raising me and making me the woman I am today.