"This I say is the present moment; this is the first day of the summer holidays. This is part of the emerging monster to whom we are attached." -Virgina Woolf, The Waves
I am truly happy for the first time in a long time and instead of being able to enjoy it; I'm scared how long it will last. This morning I was at my counseling session and I brought up my fear of not being content in the moment. My counselor recommended we try a visualization exercise. I am pretty sure her couch is magical because it is the only place I can quite my brain enough to do these exercises.
The exercise required me to imagine myself by running water. The first thing that popped in my head is being in Connemara, Ireland watching the waves crash up against the rocks. I was then told to imagine myself throwing sticks into the ocean that represented my thoughts. This is where I ran into a problem. All I could think about was my inability to throw.
I brought this up to my counselor and she reminded me that the tide was going out and I only needed to set them down. In my mind I just could not let go of the sticks. So I needed to address why I couldn't let the sticks go. I know this all may sound weird, especially if you have never tried these visualization techniques but they actually work (and this is from a skeptic).
I was able to come up with the realization that I can not let my thoughts just float away. I want to be "in the moment" but it causes me a great amount of anxiety. I want to just enjoy life and not let my thoughts get the better of me. I am hoping with this realization I will be able to work through this and start being in the moment.
One of the down falls of not being able to be in the moment has been my inability to be a good friend. I have some amazing friends but I know it is not easy being my friend. I am not the type to call, being on the phone in a non-work situation makes me uncomfortable. I only use the phone for practical reasons. My dad even answers my calls by saying, "what's wrong?". I can go long periods without contacting my friends not because I don't like them or I am mad at them. It is just often easier and more comfortable for me to keep busy or be alone. It is my way of avoiding being in the moment.
The good news is this is getting better. I don't call up or text my friends as often to cancel plans do to an illness. The illness part isn't a lie, I have usually gotten myself so worked up about attending the event that I have made myself ill. It helps that I have been living with family for over two years now, it is a lot harder to shut myself off from the world. The more I face these situations the easier they get.
So tonight instead of over thinking my post, I am just going to be happy that I am putting myself out there. I am going to enjoy my opportunity to write. I am not going to think about what I'm going to write next or what people are going to think. Tonight I just want to fall asleep happy.