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Friday, February 13, 2015

Is There Something Wrong With This Mirror?

My six year old niece asked me a question this morning and I quickly gave her an answer.  She then informed me I was very smart and asked why I wasn't on t.v.   My reply was I don't like my picture being taken.  This response has bothered me all day long.  I don't want my nieces and nephews to think my poor body image is acceptable.

I hate that I don't ever remember a time were I was ok with my appearance.  I am ashamed of how much time and money I spend obsessing over my appearance.  You would think for the amount of clothes, makeup hair product and gym membership I would be all into my appearance.  This is so far from the truth; I use all of those things to try and mask my fear of rejection.

The tricky thing is I can occasionally look in the mirror and be ok with what I see and then twenty minutes later catch my reflection and be horrified with my appearance.  I sometimes wonder if the mirror is broken.  How can I have such a distorted view of my image? I look at pictures of myself and I want to cry.  I have avoided so many events solely based on my fear of being photographed.

My mother and sister are beautiful, actually the majority of my family are very attractive people.  I have always felt like the ugly duckling, accept I haven't turned into a swan.  Not only do I have a completely different personality than them I look completely different.  We have even been out and men can't believe we are sister's because we look nothing alike.  I hate that I focus so much attention on this but you can't ignore the comments.

I was skinny for short periods of my life over the last few years and of course I wasn't happy with my appearance.  I also really struggled with the extra attention I received due to my weight loss.  It was just as hard to be skinny as it is being over weight.  It doesn't matter your size you will still be judged.  We live in a society were we focus so much attention on appearances.

So what is my goal? What am I going to do to stop feeling like this?  First, I am going to stop beating myself up. I need to learn to not be so critical of myself, it only leads to self destructive behavior. Take today for example; I set out to get a new haircut.  I had gone on Pintrest and looked up "haircuts for fat faces" and yes examples do show up.  I went and had the majority of my haircut into what I thought would be a super fun haircut.  I hate it!! I feel like it only emphasizes my fat face.  So what did I do? I went to Chipolte!

Of course that did not solve any issue but I have a bad habit of emotional eating. Yes, the smarter choice would have been to get a healthier meal and to have gone to the gym today, not the salon.  So now I sit here with a haircut I hate, wondering what is next.  Well it is just hair and I'm going to have to just deal with it.  I know I'm going to get some weird looks for a bit, but they will not kill me.  Thankfully there will be those in my life that are too nice to mention it looks stupid.

Next I need to start doing all those sill healthy things that I know I can do and I need to do.  I need to use the gym membership I pay for.  I need to face my fears and go in there even if it is busy.  I need to make my health a priority not for appearance sake but for my mental and physical wellbeing.  I am never going to beat this disease by filling my body with junk and being lazy.  I need to spend less time worrying about what is on the outside and focus on my inside.  I can't change what I look like but I can change how I treat myself.  I want to be a good example for my nieces and nephews.