Follow by Email

Saturday, February 14, 2015

It Is Not Because I Am Single

My goal for this Valentine's Day is not to make everyone miserable with my negative attitude regarding the day.  I try to remember that those around me did not contribute to my bad Valentine's Day memories.  So this is year two of trying to have a better attitude about "single awareness day".

I am the first person to blame for my negative attitude.  My problem goes back as far as I can remember and I think it is from my unrealistic expectations.  My favorite authors are Jane Austen and Cecelia Ahern two authors who's work represents true love.  I am a romantic at heart and this has lead to many unrealistic expectations set for Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day in school was more of a popularity contest then a testament of true love.  This did not stop me from dreaming that I would receive a Valentine from a mystery man. The last two years of high school I even had a boyfriend from another school and continued to be disappointed.  Let's be honest boys at 16 & 17 are not usually that romantic.

I actually ended up being with my high school boyfriend for over eight years.  I never seemed to grasp the fact that mine and his reality of Valentine's day was completely different.  I would go out of my way to create a memorable evening.  Mr. Practicals idea of the perfect gift was a gift certificate for an oil change.  Obviously over the years the gifts weren't always that bad but it showed how different we were.

Our last Valentines' Day was the one that put the nail in the coffin for me regarding this magical holiday.  I was a silly girl in love with a boy who had fallen out of love with her.  I should not have honestly been surprised when our relationship officially ended that night but it didn't stop it from hurting any less.  We had gotten engaged seven months before after many years together and lots of ups and downs.

It wasn't long into our engagement and things started to fall apart once again  I don't know from his side of things  what happened; I have never gotten answers.  I sadly was way more in love with him tho than he was with me.  At that time I also did not understand that I had depression and an anxiety disorder.  My behavior was erratic to say the least as our relationship fell apart.  I moved out on Thanksgiving but we decided we would continue to try and work things out.

So on February 13th in my true style I arrived at our home with Valentine's Day gifts and the intentions that we would work things out.  I should have known that the evening wasn't going to end well; he was doing everything in his power to avoid the elephant in the room.  It was of course officially into the next day, Valentine's Day, when he told me he could not marry me and he wanted things to be officially over.  So we spent Valentine's Day morning sitting on our kitchen floor holding each other crying, knowing this was the end.

I would like to say the pain ended their but it was just the beginning.  I felt like when I lost him I lost my will to live.  When I would be driving I would want so badly to crash my car.  I did not want to live without him in my life.  It was a few weeks after all of this that I really hit rock bottom.  It was the middle of the night and I just couldn't handle the pain anymore.  I knew that my parents had a bunch of pain killers so I headed out to the kitchen with the intentions to take enough to never wake up again.

When I got to the kitchen that night I thought about my parents in the other room.  As much as I wanted my pain to end that night I knew I couldn't put my dad through another suicide.  I don't really remember my uncle but I do remember the pain my family went through when he committed suicide. I love my family too much to put them through that again, regardless of how much I hurt.  So I woke up my mom and she sat with me all night.

This lead to my first diagnosis of clinical depression.  I started medication and counseling, unfortunately I did not stick with either of these things.  So it has taken over ten years to deal with all of this and better understand myself.  At that point in my life I wasn't ready to deal with the real issues or end my contact with him.  The medication and counseling was just a band-aid.

The last two years I have made a ton of progress even regarding Valentine's Day.  I owe a lot of that to my best friend who told me to stop making everyone else miserable as well on Valentine's Day.  So I worked towards changing my attitude and making the best of the day.  Last year I spent it with two of my favorite little peeps.  Nothing like spending a romantic evening at a Mexican restaurant with a three and five year old.  This year they have ditched me but I will be hanging with another one of my best friends  who has been gone the last two years in Uganda.