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Thursday, February 5, 2015

It's Not That I Don't Like You

Tonight was not a good example of the changes  and growth I have made. Last night after writing I spent some time reading Joyce Myers book "Never Giving Up".  I went to bed questioning if fear or lack of discipline was keeping me from my goals.  

I pondered this all day while I was working.  Yes I do believe there are things in my life that I lack discipline over; shopping being one example.  I do not believe though my fear for example, of going to a zumba class is a lack of discipline - I truly believe that has to do with my social anxiety.

So the better part of today I decided that I would be disciplined tonight, face my fear and walk into the gym and go to zumba.  I reminded myself all day long that no one is going to judge me or make fun of me.  I would not be re-living the horrors of gym class as a child.  

This fear did not get faced tonight.  I really thought tonight was going to be the night but for some reason it was not in the cards.  The reason I did not go was because I did not pack a shirt. (My only option was a boys 4T sweatshirt. My nephew must be leaving clothes in my car.)  So this is being shelved for the time being but not for long.

Sadly I continued to make a mess of the evening.  I arrived home to a house full of guests.  My mom was entertaining and having people over to discuss the Young Living oils. I was initially excited to see a friend of hers and her new baby.

As the amount of people increased I felt myself getting anxious.  I started feeling greatly overwhelmed by the madness.  Where does my panic come from?  I worry about what to say and what if I say something stupid.  I worry what the people are thinking of me.  It just becomes too much. I feel overstimulated by all of the people.

So I took my dog and one of my mom's dogs and hid in my room. You would think my family would wonder what happened to me but they know and understand me.  I love the fact that my mom and sister are so understanding of this.  

Do I wish I would have stayed out there, yes.  Now that everyone is gone I see how silly I am that I didn't stay out there.  I now can wonder if I did far more damage by leaving than if I stayed and on the off chance did say something foolish.  Now I can wonder and worry instead, if they wonder what my issue is.

On the lighter side of things I did have a wonderful friend offer to have a pizza delivered to me while I was hiding out!