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Sunday, March 15, 2015

I Feel Like a Big B Word

It was so amazing on Wednesday to answer my friends text that I was doing great.  I feel like so often I have to go off on some tangent on my latest melt down.  Or else I just tell her good and hope she doesn't figure out I'm lying.  But on Wednesday I was feeling great and it had been a few weeks since any real episodes.  Maybe it was the sunshine, maybe the exercising or maybe my new meds are just working.

This is how I feel - a picture at 4 seemed more
Sad to say Thursday when I woke up it was a different store.  I could tell right away something wasn't right.  I couldn't remember if I had taken my medicine the night before and didn't dare take it just incase I had remembered.  I decided it would be just best if I isolate myself in my room and hope it was only a one day thing.  So it was a Netflix day.  I was at least productive enough to write two blogs since I would not have time on Friday or Saturday. 

Friday I crossed my fingers things would be better.  I should have gotten up and gone to the gym but I hadn't slept well and was still in a funk.  I knew I needed to pull it together when I got to work; I would never let my staff see me like this.  At work my emotions were quickly turning to anger and I couldn't explain why.  Little things that would normally never bother me were just piling up.  By the time I went on my break I didn't know if I was going to scream or cry. 

I made a horrible choice I just stuffed my feelings in food.  I knew I needed to calm down before I could address some of the issues with my staff but I just couldn't get a grasp.  I wanted so bad to just punch someone and it didn't even matter who.  I felt so ashamed for feeling this way.  I felt like a ticking time bomb.  The rest of the evening I kept it together but it was a long evening.  I felt so hungry but I knew I wasn't hungry it was my emotions.

I tried calming myself that evening but had no luck.  I needed to sleep but I kept waking up.  So once again I started the day out on the wrong side of the bed.  On my way to work I realized I forgot to print out the tickets for the concert I was attending right after work.  Great one more thing to upset me.  Thankfully work was busy leaving little time to think about my roller coaster of emotions.  My aching feet helped as well give me something new to focus on. 

Work was done I should have been in a better mood but something just still felt off.  I made my way into Minneapolis letting my anger get the best of me while driving.  Nothing better than wanting to just smash your car into the one in front of you that can't manage to do the speed limit, not that I would ever do that. Thankfully my friend was printing off the missing tickets so it was one less thing to have to beat myself up over.  Not to mention she also left her house without printing them off and had to go back - I guess we all make mistakes.

Once we got to dinner I was feeling a little bit better.  I was proud of myself that I didn't have any anxiety over getting to the concert.  I was extremely laid back about just taking our time enjoying dinner and making our way to the concert.  This was also because we had plenty of time something I have learned is needed to prevent me from obsessively worrying about missing something. 

I was so thankful we had the concert to go to and it was really good.  I had been listening to Neulore's album Animal Evolve all week but you don't know what to expect.  They put on a really good live performance and we were far from disappointed.  I even got a little teary during one of their new songs that they were trying out.  It was nice to just loose myself in the performance.  I tried to block out the girls next to us that wouldn't stop talking, not worth making a scene. 

After the concert I purchased an album for my collection and the band was nice enough to sign it.  It is nice to meet genuinely appreciative musicians.  I have been lucky over the last few years to get to meet a few musicians and the majority of them have been really nice.  We got to do a meet and greet with the band Fun when they were just getting famous and thankfully Jack and Andrew were super nice because Nate seemed like the whole thing was a huge inconvenience. 

So after an amazing night you would think this big B word would be in a better mood, not the case.  I'm not sure what my issue is because I had a really great evening and have no reason to be in this mood.  I guess I'm more confused now than anything.  I'm use to the anxiety, I'm use to being so depressed I just want to shut down, I'm not use to this anger.  It is taking me all my energy to hold it together and be positive at work which is not making it any easier.  I feel like a ticking time bomb. 

My goal is to make it through work tomorrow and then Tuesday I need to figure out what is going on.  I need to figure out what is the underlying issue.  I can't go around fantasying about punching people in the face, I'm not that kind of person.  I really wish my feet didn't hurt so bad it would be nice to just go for a run and release this pent up anger.  Maybe I can find something to break or destroy on Tuesday.