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Sunday, March 29, 2015

I Want To Lie But I Won't

The last two weeks I've watched myself start to spin once again out of control.  I thought I had things figured out; I had been blaming my recent panic attacks on work.  Yesterday it finally hit me what the real problem is.  My plan was to write last night but a migraine put that on hold, I'm guessing the result of my current state.  I want to cry, I want to feel pain, I want to just run and hide.

Why do I feel this way?  I was silly enough a few months ago to think maybe I had changed.  I had made it through an event and was feeling confident.  This gave me the confidence to plan a party for my upcoming birthday.  The problem is now the closer it get the more the panic increases.  I feel like such a fool; I can't even handle an evening with friends and family.  I love my friend and family but I can't handle the anxiety that comes with being in a room full of people.

Why the anxiety?  I'm going to wonder do they really want to be here? Are they all going to get along?  Will everyone like the food I make?  What if no one shows?  I know these are silly things but these are the things that put me over the edge.  These are the things among others that cause me to freak when it comes to events.  I can't hide at my own party.

I have been trying to think of a lie for over two weeks to cancel the party.  It is now only two weeks away and I have decided for once to just be honest.  Tonight I will find the strength to just tell the truth and cancel.  Yes maybe canceling is the easy way out and I should face my fear but I think once maybe I'm just going to start with telling the truth.  I don't want to have to put on a fake smile and try to pretend like I'm happy.

I just don't have the strength or energy right now to be fake and happy Deanna. I don't want to drink enough to numb the pain. I don't want to celebrate the fact that I'm one year older.  I honestly want to scream and cry about it.  I don't want to be reminded that I'm thirty-six and afraid of love.  I know a normal person would want to be surrounded by those they care about.  But if this last year has taught me anything it is that I'm not normal and I'm ok with that. 

I apologize for planning the party in the first place.  I'm thankful for those that said they would come and feel horrible for canceling but I need to.  I fear if I don't I will be a horrible mess the next two weeks.  I can't have a repeat of two years ago when I didn't leave my room for three days after my birthday.  I'm thankful that last year my aunty and her husband spoiled me in Florida and I got to disappear.  I don't know yet what I'm going to do, maybe look at pictures and pretend I'm on a beach.  I just know whatever I decide can't be planned and is going to have to feel right, even if it's watching Teletubbies with the kids.