Do you ever try and imagine the worse in hopes that something good will happen? I am always afraid to imagine myself winning something or having something good happen. I have it in my head that if I imagine it or even speak about it out loud it will not happen. This may be do to the fact I'm not the luckiest person in the world. I am not saying I have this horrible life that I deserve pity but I doubt people are jealous of my life.
I might have the opportunity to try for a promotion at work soon. I will be one of the lesser qualified candidates that goes up for this position. I do feel like I could handle this promotion but I'm afraid to even think about the possibility of obtaining it. I feel like it will just be easier if I don't get my hopes up. I'm use to rejection whether it be work or relationships but it doesn't make it any easier.
There is also the issue that in order to prove myself a viable candidate for this position I need to fill a few positions on my staff. And these positions need to be filled with stellar candidates. I know I can do this, I have done this before but I'm starting to feel the pressure. In order to be in top form I took some sleeping pills last night, just to try and battle the insomnia.
Well the pills worked maybe too good, I work up covered in scratches. I'm not sure if my body was itching due to my anxiety or if it was a dream. I actually scratched my one ankle to the point it burns. The pills also left me feeling very sluggish. It took me quite the effort to get ready for work. I'm guessing the reality of going into work and hoping there were descant applicants awaiting on file started a panic attack.
As I was driving I could feel my heart start racing. I kept repeating just breath over and over in my head. At one point my eye started twitching, making driving a delight. By the time I reached work I was breathing as if I had been running a marathon. I heading in straight back to my desk set my things down and headed straight to the sales floor. We had a few customers already looking around so I said hi to a few and tried to make myself busy behind the counter. I was trying to stay out of eye contact and hoping no one saw my shaking hands.
I decided to run in back and rub some Young Living tranquil oil on my wrists, hoping that would work. The last thing I wanted to do was take my medication knowing there was a great possibility of an allergic reaction. I headed back out to the floor and decided I just need to calm my breathing and get busy with customers. I knew if I got my mind distracted I could get myself out of this state. Thankfully it worked. I'm not going to say I felt the greatest but I was able to function.
A few applications did come through, nothing too promising but it is a start. I need to believe in myself. I'm not going to pretend like I don't want this promotion, but I am going to remember what is meant to be will be. Maybe all my luck is building up for the next thirty years of my life. Plus, work is work and I need to remember it doesn't define me. Thankfully I got to spend the evening with these cuties that helped remind me of that. I'm the luckiest aunt in the world.