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Friday, March 6, 2015

Why Why Why

Last week I purchased a vinyl copy of The Airborne Toxic Event's new album Dope Machines to start building up my vinyl collection again after the fire.  When you purchased Dope Machines from their website it came with a bonus album Songs of God and Whisky.  As I was downloading this on to my computer I was immediately taken back by the song title "Why, Why, Why".   It brought back a painful memory.

The song has nothing to do with the actual events that took place in my life but those three words were words that sent my mind into a whirl.  I want to say this happened about four years ago but will forever be burned into my memory.  I was just getting off work and pulled my phone out to see I had a Facebook message from an ex.  This was shocking for a few reasons, one we were not friends on Facebook, two we hadn't spoken since his engagement and three I knew from talks he was getting married the next week.  So it was very cryptic to get a message from him that simply said, "why why why".

I was flooded with a multitude of emotions and instantly became sick to my stomach.  I decided to simply write back and ask if everything was ok and then await for an answer.  He wrote back informing me that his future step daughter must have sent me that message on accident.  This sent me into a rage.  I couldn't understand how a three or four year old could send me such a message.  I have nieces that age and yes they can get on the phone and send messages.  What they can't do is search for someone and then send them actual words. 

I should have just left it at that and not even taken the time to respond but I think all my anger towards him had finally built up.  I sent him back a horrible message congratulating him on having a genius for a future step daughter and to never under any circumstances contact me again.  I don't know who sent that message him, the step daughter or the wife but it hurt.  It was just another confusing message from a man who had played with my heart time and time again.

This is all in the past and I think it should stay there but it did make me think about how often words can be so harmful.  I know this is something I have struggled with.  I know that it is my insecurities that causes me to lash out with my tongue but I also know that is not who I want to be.  I don't want my insecurities to harm others. 

Yesterday an olive branch was extended to me via a friend that I had hurt by my words.  I had apologized for what I had said but we hadn't spoken in almost a year.  I was overjoyed when I received a text message from her asking that we just move on.  I didn't deserve to be forgiven but she did and I am so thankful for that.  To me this is one important reason I continue to work on myself and my insecurities because I don't want them to harm others.