Well the conversation I thought I was ready for did not go well at all. I started the day out with counseling the one good point of the day. The only problem with that was I worked on tackling through some issues that left me a bit overwhelmed with my feelings. I am coming to realize that I use a combination of control and justification as ways of protecting myself. I don't know how to give up either without trust.
I went into the conversation with an open mind and the desire to talk through our issues and come up with a plan of how we could get on the same page. I wanted to talk through her frustrations as well as mine. I wanted to try and figure out how we could create better communication to ensure the job gets done correctly. This did not happen. Instead of discussing issues she attacked my personality. I have received constructive feedback in the past but this was not constructive.
Instead of giving me examples of thing that frustrate her and how I could do them better I was told that she does not like me as a person. I thought we were going to discuss how I could better help her with her role and instead I was told that the only problem she has with the job is me. She feels that the store would be better off without me. That my perfectionism is not necessary and I have control issues. She also told me that I act better than everyone because I have a college degree and came from the second largest store in our company.
This really hurt. Some of it hurt because I knew certain things were true to an extent, most of it hurt because it wasn't said out of care it was said to hurt me. At no point did I feel like I was being given this feedback because this person wanted me to do a better job. It was the first time I have ever cried in front of an employee. I tried to hold it together but there is no way she did not notice the tears in my eyes. The conversation ended with me asking for some time to think things through. I don't know what I'm suppose to do, this person is asking me to be someone I am not. I know I could make improvements and I fully embrace that but I don't know how much I can or want to change.
Thankfully she asked to leave early and I was able to hide in the bathroom and really cry. I wanted so bad to just go home and cry in peace. I wanted to go somewhere and just feel sorry for myself. I couldn't do that. One, it would set a horrible example and second, I would be some of those horrible things then. I had no choice but to put on a happy face.
My saving grace was my best friend Brooke answering my texts and trying to keep me positive. I don't know how many times she has come to my emotional rescue. I could spend the rest of my life trying to repay her for everything she has done. My peace also comes in the fact that I was her boss before I was her friend, she understands me on a personal and professional level.
One thing I discussed with my counselor today was trying to figure out ways to deal with my emotions when they are overwhelming that does not involve eating. I have used food as a coping mechanism; I justify eating bad food because my life often sucks. When I took my dinner break I really had to remind myself that bad food was not going to make anything better. Yes the day was not going the best but adding to my increasing weight gain was only going to make things worse. The food would only be a temporary Band-Aid. I was good and got fruit and a salad.
On my way home my mind once again started racing. I kept replaying the conversation in my head and adding to it another rough convo that had happened early in the week. I was approached by a friend questioning how I tend to distance myself from others and her concerns. Now I start to wonder how many of these people are correct? Do I need to take a closer look at my life? I know we all need to continue to grow and change but am I doing a good enough job at that. Maybe it isn't a bad thing that I hate myself. If these people don't like who I am, maybe there is some truth in that statement.
I've been crying for the last hour, trying to figure out what I can do different. I want to be better, I don't want people to be unhappy because of me. I want to help people even though sometimes I really can't stand people. Days like today I wonder if I would just be happy in a cabin alone in the woods. But do I really want to be a crazy lady who lives alone and talks to animals?