I've been laying in bed for the last two hours trying to decide if I'm brave enough to write about my latest issue. I started this blog as a form of therapy but also to be open about my struggles with depression and anxiety in an attempt to help others. I now am facing a new issue that is also one of those issues people do not like to talk about. I decided that if I'm going to face my fears I need to continue to be open and honest.
Yesterday when I was doing all of that crazy yard work I got sick to my stomach, I am assuming from getting overheated. I got nauseous and sick to my stomach. This was not too unusual but when I went to the bathroom I noticed a large amount of blood, including clots. It was bad enough that I showed my mum, even with her being my mum I still felt weird showing it to her. She suggested going to the doctor I told her I would make an appointment for next week. I could see her concern so I made one for this morning before work.
You would think by now I wouldn't be so nervous about telling the doctor/nurses what is wrong but its just not fun. I know that they hear all sorts of stuff and it is their job but it is just weird explaining your bowel movements to a complete stranger. The morning got even more interesting when I got to have a rectal exam. I guess after going through that this morning I have an extra bit of courage. I know I'm not the only one who feels embarrassed by the whole process but I'm guessing it is more common than we think. In fact when they asked me if we had a family history of these issues I answered incorrectly because I never knew my father had polyps removed because no one likes to talk about issues in that area.
Unfortunately the scope this morning did not find any reason for the bleeding which means I now get to face a new challenge a colonoscopy. I got sent hope with all of the fun pre-op instructions which sound way worse than the actual procedure. I won't even begin to write about it, no one wants to know the details. Just know that Wednesday and Thursday I probably won't be doing much writing.
I'm trying to keep myself off of WebMD and just focus on work and getting prepared to be off for a couple of days. My mum made a good point today when she reminded me stress is only going to make things worse. Even if they find polyps they can easily be removed before they become cancer. Maybe I just have something really cool stuck in my intestines, maybe I ate a rare coin that is worth a ton of money.
I will be working on lots of techniques to calm my anxiety this week, I think it would be a good idea to pull out my anxiety workbook and do a few exercises. I did an amazing job today keeping calm when they did my blood tests, first time in a long time I didn't pass out. I will try and be open and honest about the process without grossing anyone out. I hope that if you or someone you know has this happen they know they aren't alone and it isn't as bad as they think.