My job requires me to correct issues often. This would not be a problem but I don't do well with confrontation. I try and manage my business and employees so I have as little confrontation as possible. Friday I had a situation with an employee that lead to a disagreement. Instead of getting upset and saying something I might regret I asked if we could speak about it on Monday after I had time to think.
Normally I would have fretted all weekend long about the conversation, especially with the potential of a disagreement. I was extremely proud of myself that I did not let it weigh on me this weekend. Yesterday I even did some prep work for the conversation. I wanted to make sure I had the proper information available to come up with an agreement. I also wanted to try and look at it from her point of view and take ownership for things I could have done different.
I went into work with a clear head and a grasp on my emotions. I was soon disappointed when she left work without telling me, not allowing me the opportunity to speak to her. I instantly was again flooded with emotions, top of the list was anger. I really wanted to just clear the air like adults and come to a solution. Instead I now was questioning how much larger the situation had become. I needed answers.
There is a good chance that she left upset about a personal issue and not solely in regards to our disagreement. Right now I do not know. I did get some feedback from another employee pointing out some of the complaints of that employee. I have gone from cool and collective to questioning everything and beating myself up. I needed the feedback, it is important to better myself. The only problem is I don't know how to digest the feedback in a healthy manner.
I have now spent the entire night going between being angry with her and myself. I know I need to take ownership to certain things but I also need to figure out how to not let it get to this point. I worry that because I am such an introvert that I am not approachable. I also worry that because I am a perfectionist I am too hard on my employees. I want everything to be perfect and my job is one of those areas I really push for excellence. I feel like I'm defined by my career and if I'm not successful in my career I am a failure.
When I got home I tried to eat my feelings away. I really wish we did not have chips in the house but there were some left over from the weekend. And if the chips weren't bad enough I added a Wisconsin favorite to them, Top the Tater. If you are not from Wisconsin you have no idea what I'm talking about or can even purchase this tempting dip. It is so good but so bad for you.
I wish I would have skipped the chips and gone straight for the best medicine, laughter. I love to laugh, so much so that I have the Greek word for 'laugh' tattooed on my wrist. (I also have an extremely annoying laugh that I can't go anywhere without people noticing.) I got my laugh on tonight with my favorite British talk show "Graham Norton". I am so thankful that we have BBC America and I'm able to watch it on the tv. A good hour of giggling was just what I needed.
I can't avoid the conversation tomorrow. I also need to remember that they are only words and they do not define me. I need to listen but I do not need to agree. We can't change unless we know what we need to improve on. We also need to remember that we all make mistakes, it's how we handle the mistake that counts.