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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Depression And A Lack of Production

If you have depression you know it can be a struggle to be productive. When I am struggling with my depression my motivation is at a low. The idea of getting out of bed and doing something seems impossible. I always know when my depression needs to be evaluated when the thought of taking a shower sounds like too much. These are times when I check to see if I've been taking my medication and if there could be anything else triggering my depression.

Today could have easily been one of those days. It was just two days ago I wrote about how happy I have been. Sadly yesterday was a bad day. I had some stress and constructive feedback at work. When I left work I was extremely depressed. The negative thoughts going through my head where dragging me down. It was the first time in a long time I felt hopeless enough to wonder if I wanted to even live. Thankfully this was only for a fleeting moment. I have come too far to let one day bring me down.

My saving grace last night was an already planned dinner with former co-workers. This was exactly what I needed. We were all able to come together laugh and 'bitch'. The nice thing about sharing your frustrations with friends is to realize you aren't alone. We all have the same frustrations and struggles.

Instead of letting one bad day become several days, I was able to move on from it. I was able to enjoy my day off and accomplish everything I wanted. I really enjoy restoring furniture and crafting on my days off. I find great satisfaction in creating things with my hands. I know having these projects has also given me that extra push to do things. 

My suggestion for anyone who is struggling with a lack of desire to do anything is to evaluate the possibility you may be struggling with depression. Yes the idea of having depression sounds scary but it is something that can be managed with proper help. Depression is part of my life but it is not who I am.

Visit National Suicide Prevention Site if you want more info on depression.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I Want to Stay this Happy

So often when I turn to write it is because I'm having a tough time and need to try and work though my struggle through words. Today is not one of those days! I am taking the time to write a post because I want to acknowledge how far I have come in the last year. I also want to write about what brought on the additional happiness today.

 I want to do more with my writing but self doubt often gets in the way. My anxiety causes a lot of self doubt and hatred. I worry that I will not having anything to write about or anything that others would want to read. Instead of trying I often walk away out of fear. On occasion I find the courage, for example when I started this blog.

Several months ago I was feeling courageous and volunteered to help with any writing needs for PNC Rescue this is the organization we have adopted from and currently foster for as well. Sadly I again let fear get in my way and I did not write anything for them.  Well today that changed.

The organization's volunteers were discussing different ways to drive more exposure to their Facebook page. I decided to speak up and offer to put together a memo. I wrote a memo to help the volunteers with branding of PNC Rescue and navigating social media. I am not sure what will become of the memo or advice but I feel good for trying.

In addition to the memo I am going to try and use my writing skills to create bio's for the current and future foster dogs.

I am hoping the next time the doubt starts to creep in or I'm having a bad day I can go back to this post and remind myself the happiness that comes from helping other's and conquering my fears.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Regrets or 'Everything Happens for a Reason'

I need to be up for work in about six hours. So why now after weeks of not, am I up writing? I have spent the last two hour lying her in bed torturing myself about past decisions.  Why tonight? I am not sure, it could be that the series on Netflix I was watching reminded me of my mistakes in love. It could also be that this month has a history of bad luck in my family, so it only feels fitting to think the worse.

The joys of knowing you have an anxiety disorder but not always being able to control those wondering thoughts. I take comfort in the fact that I know I shouldn't be obsessing about a decision I made over fifteen years ago. I know that once I can release these thoughts from my head into written word I will fall asleep contently. That this regret will become one of the many 'everything happens for a reason' thoughts.

A month or so ago my sister sent me a picture (of a picture) asking who the guy was sitting with me. I responded that is was Jon, a friend I had met on a missions trip when I was sixteen. The picture was taken of us together at an event a year or so after our missions trip. We had kept in contact via snail mail; it was the 90's. He had come out to Wisconsin to visit me for a Christian music festival.
Jon, Me & my brother

We lost contact after high school, mostly due to the fact I had a boyfriend who didn't really like the idea of his girl friend having a guy pen pal. Did I like Jon as more than a friend? I would say yes, granted I was sixteen when we met and was boy crazy. So this is where the regret comes in. I don't know if Jon liked me as more than a friend. I was a girl with little self esteem and would not have had a clue if he did show interest. So now I question if he had liked me and I had chosen him over Scott would I be happy? Would I have avoided all of that pain?

I ending up spending over eight years of my life with Scott and I don't completely regret that time but I do regret what that relationship did to me. Would things have been different with someone like Jon, obviously but if you erase those bad memories you take away the good with them. To change my past means so many of the people that I love and care about would not have ended up in my life.

I guess I just find myself grasping to the comforts of my past and being sixteen again.  Jon will remain a mystery. Even if I wanted to find him on a social media I don't remember his last name and everything I had from him burned in the fire. Plus I would much rather he remember that teenage girl!