Follow by Email

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Regrets or 'Everything Happens for a Reason'

I need to be up for work in about six hours. So why now after weeks of not, am I up writing? I have spent the last two hour lying her in bed torturing myself about past decisions.  Why tonight? I am not sure, it could be that the series on Netflix I was watching reminded me of my mistakes in love. It could also be that this month has a history of bad luck in my family, so it only feels fitting to think the worse.

The joys of knowing you have an anxiety disorder but not always being able to control those wondering thoughts. I take comfort in the fact that I know I shouldn't be obsessing about a decision I made over fifteen years ago. I know that once I can release these thoughts from my head into written word I will fall asleep contently. That this regret will become one of the many 'everything happens for a reason' thoughts.

A month or so ago my sister sent me a picture (of a picture) asking who the guy was sitting with me. I responded that is was Jon, a friend I had met on a missions trip when I was sixteen. The picture was taken of us together at an event a year or so after our missions trip. We had kept in contact via snail mail; it was the 90's. He had come out to Wisconsin to visit me for a Christian music festival.
Jon, Me & my brother

We lost contact after high school, mostly due to the fact I had a boyfriend who didn't really like the idea of his girl friend having a guy pen pal. Did I like Jon as more than a friend? I would say yes, granted I was sixteen when we met and was boy crazy. So this is where the regret comes in. I don't know if Jon liked me as more than a friend. I was a girl with little self esteem and would not have had a clue if he did show interest. So now I question if he had liked me and I had chosen him over Scott would I be happy? Would I have avoided all of that pain?

I ending up spending over eight years of my life with Scott and I don't completely regret that time but I do regret what that relationship did to me. Would things have been different with someone like Jon, obviously but if you erase those bad memories you take away the good with them. To change my past means so many of the people that I love and care about would not have ended up in my life.

I guess I just find myself grasping to the comforts of my past and being sixteen again.  Jon will remain a mystery. Even if I wanted to find him on a social media I don't remember his last name and everything I had from him burned in the fire. Plus I would much rather he remember that teenage girl!