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Monday, September 14, 2015

New Doctor

I have been putting off the search for a new doctor for far too long but today it must happen. This weekend I had another bad migraine. Thankfully I was able to get it under control but it was bad enough that I had to let my mom drive the rest of our way home and I got sick enough that I had to throw up into a bag in my lap. I did manage to sleep it off with medication and not make a trip to the ER.

So why do I need to find a new doctor? Three plus years ago when I realized it was time to get help I made an appointment at the clinic by my home at the time. I was immediately overjoyed at how comfortable I felt with the PA I was assigned to that day. Anyone who suffers from depression and anxiety knows how uncomfortable it can be to reach out for help. Courtney made this so easy for me. She was so supportive and compassionate over the years.

Sadly I moved two hours away and slowly it became harder and harder to make the drives back. On several occasions I have had no other choice but to seek out other medical professionals. I have not made a connections with any of them. I also have had the issue with the fact that the nearest Fairview hospital is over forty minutes away. When you are needing to make an emergency trip to the ER for a migraine you don't want a forty minute car ride.

I now need to decided between the two medical facilities that I live near.  I then need to pick a physician from one of those establishments. I know the easy thing to do would be asking for suggestions from friends and family but I don't feel comfortable doing that. The more open I have become about my struggles the more I realize everyone has an opinion and few are in agreement.

Today I am going to make the first move and go with the medical center I visited for my last ER visit. I am going to visit their website and go through the physicians bios and hopefully find one that looks favorable. I can't keep putting off seeking treatment for my migraines; I need to face my fear and put myself out there.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015


I haven't written a lot about my faith, not because I don't think it is important but because I want to be sensitive to other's beliefs. I have always believed actions speak louder than words. Today I feel want to write a bit about my faith. In order to  understand me and how I get through these terrible days I need to be open about my belief that my strength comes, from God.

Today at counseling I was asked where I stand currently on dating. I smiled at her and told her I still find myself not wanting to even try to find someone.  We talked a bit about control, that I am afraid of getting into a relationship and having to give up the things I enjoy. I have worked so hard at discovering who I am and what I want. I fear that if I get into a relationship I will have to alter those things.

We continued to discuss this fear and ultimately it lead into a 'trust' issue. I don't trust myself and I'm having a hard time trusting God. The trouble with being a Christian is knowing you are suppose to trust God but doing it is a whole different subject. I want to trust God, if my faith has taught me anything it is that I am nothing without God. If I trust in myself alone we are in trouble; I have made some horrible decisions in the past.

But now that I'm ready to trust in God, I realize it is just as important that I start trusting in myself. Yes I did make some horrible mistakes in the past but that was the past and I have learned from those mistakes. Just saying that out loud takes a huge weight off my heart. I know that alone I can't do this but at the same time I know God has given me the brains and strength to trust myself.

Trusting means, that even when things aren't going the best I am going to trust that there is a reason. I also need to believe that good things will happen, that it is ok to hope for better. It is also ok that sometimes I get angry for the struggles that I have had, that doesn't make me lesser of a Christian, it makes me human.

I am thankful that God has given me the strength to seek medical help.  Yes having faith has played a huge role in my recovery but medical treatment is important too. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with my beliefs but I wanted an opportunity to share a big part of who I am and another part of my journey.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Summer's End

I know most people are probably sad that this weekend marks the end of summer. I am not one of those people. I am not saying I am looking forward to sub zero temperatures or snowy roads but I am over the heat of summer. Living in the Midwest we get to experience ninety degree days and on the flip side twenty below zero days. I am not a fan of either!  An example, tonight marks the end of a week of upper eighties and crazy humidity.

The only part of me that likes temps and humidity that high is my hair. My body is not a fan of these hot days. I ended up with another late night visit to the ER, last month. They think the migraine was a combination of heat exhaustion and allergies from ragweed. I was pumped full of fluids and three medications via IV, not something I'm fond of. Two weeks ago I almost had a repeat after trying to spend some time outside with my niece and nephews. Thankfully this time the migraine never got to the point I needed to go in but it did last for six days.
We were going to build a tree house til I got sick. 

Fall can start at any point and I will be completely happy. I love that cooler temps also mean boots, scarves and flannels. We have been transitioning to fall at work for over a month. Working in retail we are always a month or so ahead of the season and fall is the one season I am always so excited for. I have the air conditioner on high at work and no thought of the eighty degree weather outside my door as I am layered up for cooler temps. And I cannot forget to mention pumpkin, I am one of those girls who is obsessed with pretty much anything pumpkin flavored. This week alone I had a pumpkin chi latte, pumpkin beer and a pumpkin pie blizzard.

As excited as I am for summer to be over I also have to face the realization of what winter can and might bring. I now have the fear that winter might bring me back into a horrible depression. Yes summer does bring me frustrations but it does bring sunshine that is very beneficial in combating depression. How am I preparing for winter? What will I do to make sure that it isn't a repeat of the last few winters.

First, I am committed to taking my medicine every night without fail. I had to use a bit of technology to make this happen. I downloaded an app that I have set to go off at 10:00 p.m. and until I take my medication every ten minutes my phone reminds me with a notification sound - mine is pills shaking in a bottle. I have also started to take vitamin D. My therapist said they are now recommending people start taking them in August instead of waiting til fall or winter when they are already deficient. I'm a baby when it comes to taking vitamins so I have jumped on the gummy vitamin bandwagon.

I am hoping this and the projects I have taken on this summer will give me purpose and drive this winter. As much as I love Netflix, spending the winter hidden in my room is not healthy or productive. I want to make the most of this life I have been given. I don't want to shutdown and go to that dark place. I want the cooler temps but not the depression that can come with the winter.