Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Today at counseling I was asked where I stand currently on dating. I smiled at her and told her I still find myself not wanting to even try to find someone. We talked a bit about control, that I am afraid of getting into a relationship and having to give up the things I enjoy. I have worked so hard at discovering who I am and what I want. I fear that if I get into a relationship I will have to alter those things.
We continued to discuss this fear and ultimately it lead into a 'trust' issue. I don't trust myself and I'm having a hard time trusting God. The trouble with being a Christian is knowing you are suppose to trust God but doing it is a whole different subject. I want to trust God, if my faith has taught me anything it is that I am nothing without God. If I trust in myself alone we are in trouble; I have made some horrible decisions in the past.
But now that I'm ready to trust in God, I realize it is just as important that I start trusting in myself. Yes I did make some horrible mistakes in the past but that was the past and I have learned from those mistakes. Just saying that out loud takes a huge weight off my heart. I know that alone I can't do this but at the same time I know God has given me the brains and strength to trust myself.
Trusting means, that even when things aren't going the best I am going to trust that there is a reason. I also need to believe that good things will happen, that it is ok to hope for better. It is also ok that sometimes I get angry for the struggles that I have had, that doesn't make me lesser of a Christian, it makes me human.
I am thankful that God has given me the strength to seek medical help. Yes having faith has played a huge role in my recovery but medical treatment is important too. I don't expect everyone to understand or even agree with my beliefs but I wanted an opportunity to share a big part of who I am and another part of my journey.