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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I Can't Breath

I am laying in bed this evening struggling to breath, it feels as if there is a large weight on my chest. I fell unsettled as if at any moment my heart could explode. I am restless in my thoughts and finding it hard to calm myself.  My attempt to aid my sleep with a sound machine is causing discomfort.  Why are the sounds of waves causing me distress when normally they are a comforting sound?

Several years ago I had a therapist suggest that I create a space in my mind to go to when I am feeling anxious, a place that would calm me.  For the longest time my place involved being by the sea and being able to hear the waves crashing along the rocks.  In my mind I could picture the English, Scottish and even Irish coast line. My happy place has always been the scene of a Jane Austen book not a tropical beach.

I was so excited to receive my sound machine today and  listen to the ocean as I fell asleep. At first I thought my anxiety was being brought on by the prospects of going back to work tomorrow. I am currently struggling with my position and it has brought on tremendous stress and anxiety. But the anxiety I was feeling was something more, it was the subject I hate to talk about.

I have spent the last two days in bed with a cold. This has given me the opportunity to binge watch the series "Outlander" on my kindle.  So for two days I have immersed myself into the love story of these characters. Now that it is over I find myself lost and sad.  I know this sounds silly but I am only able to experience love this way. I am so afraid I being hurt again I only allow myself to get lost in these imaginary relationships.

So tonight when the sound of the waves started to play my heart started to feel like a million pounds. I am realizing that I'm so afraid,  I will never have a man love me like a character in a book or movie. I will never truly get to experience that scene I have created in my head that use to bring me so much happiness. I will never be laying in bed in a sea side cottage listening to the waves crash and having a man who loves me laying beside me.

Tonight I realize that I'm so afraid I am ruining my life.