I am laying in bed this evening struggling to breath, it feels as if there is a large weight on my chest. I fell unsettled as if at any moment my heart could explode. I am restless in my thoughts and finding it hard to calm myself. My attempt to aid my sleep with a sound machine is causing discomfort. Why are the sounds of waves causing me distress when normally they are a comforting sound?
Several years ago I had a therapist suggest that I create a space in my mind to go to when I am feeling anxious, a place that would calm me. For the longest time my place involved being by the sea and being able to hear the waves crashing along the rocks. In my mind I could picture the English, Scottish and even Irish coast line. My happy place has always been the scene of a Jane Austen book not a tropical beach.
I was so excited to receive my sound machine today and listen to the ocean as I fell asleep. At first I thought my anxiety was being brought on by the prospects of going back to work tomorrow. I am currently struggling with my position and it has brought on tremendous stress and anxiety. But the anxiety I was feeling was something more, it was the subject I hate to talk about.
I have spent the last two days in bed with a cold. This has given me the opportunity to binge watch the series "Outlander" on my kindle. So for two days I have immersed myself into the love story of these characters. Now that it is over I find myself lost and sad. I know this sounds silly but I am only able to experience love this way. I am so afraid I being hurt again I only allow myself to get lost in these imaginary relationships.
So tonight when the sound of the waves started to play my heart started to feel like a million pounds. I am realizing that I'm so afraid, I will never have a man love me like a character in a book or movie. I will never truly get to experience that scene I have created in my head that use to bring me so much happiness. I will never be laying in bed in a sea side cottage listening to the waves crash and having a man who loves me laying beside me.
Tonight I realize that I'm so afraid I am ruining my life.